chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
