speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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