he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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