you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
