once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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