I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
