apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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