My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
