I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
