our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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