My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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