So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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