She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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