its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sext me about skeletons
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
