she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
