just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
