After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
