Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
