Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
