i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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