ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
