Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
