I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
