i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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