i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
