why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
