after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
