last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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