my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
