the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
