I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
