Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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