well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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