that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
