Girls should come with a carfax report
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
