Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
