you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
