I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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