how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
