A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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