I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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