The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
