Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
