a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
