to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
