She is in my trunk
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
