WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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