You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
