i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need to calm my uterus...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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