you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
