Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
