ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Please, let me fuck your mom
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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