ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
