I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
