every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
