It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
