i barfeds in our rink
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
