I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
