the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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