a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize