Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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