i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
