you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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