We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
