Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
